Sleep With A Gun

Zune Card

2008-11-15T09:26:00.002-05:00

2008-10-20T19:48:00.001-04:00

mass
I left my heart in Mass
Doused in kerosene
The blood pumped out and ran with the gas
Intertwined, they ran for the door, they ran...

Snapping my fingers in realization
I'd forgotten the key, oh how silly of me
I had to find a substitute very fast
Before the blood and gas got away from me

Happily I laid eyes on the alter, or to be more precise
The candles in droves that winked at me from on high
Winking back, I swept them off of their high horse
The church and I, my heart and it's memories, all rose in smoke towards the sky

(copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski)

2008-10-08T19:33:00.001-04:00

damning, inherent, sincerities!
It seems all I pen is tainted with imperfections
Corroding even as I write it, trying to fight it
Seeped in these damning flaws, my ink flows out
Lost as my morals, drifting in directions convention deems unfit

It seems all that I see is coated in blacks and grays
Decomposing even as I watch it be born, even babies are world-worn
Peeped beneath the veil, glanced the truth darkness flouts
Lost as my heart, draining fast and love torn

It seems all I hear is screaming for release
Proposing even as they draw air, to die, even saints cover their eyes
Leaked are the rumors, bathed in kernels of truth they are
God fled the garden long ago, he no longer wanted to try

damnation
While shadows claim all those who've shone
Witches play innocent while the poor burn
Kings move pawns with blood as lubricant
Petty games by petty men, hoping for petty money to earn

growing pains
Some people hate me for how fast I grew up, how I grew up
Well they can see the scars, but they can not feel the pain
They think I'm stuck up with my fragile...arrogance
I know I've made each bed in which I've lain

But can I get a little sympathy?
More than oohs and aahs for the blood?
How can it be you harbor hate for me,
When the only me you know's a dud?

No they can't feel these growing pains
They only see that I'm different than they are
They think it's easy and smells of roses but
They see where I am without knowing, the blood that got me this far

(Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski)

2008-10-04T21:41:00.001-04:00

reference photo

2008-10-04T20:45:00.002-04:00

WOW, look! Over-compressed images! THANKS, blogger!

2008-09-29T19:37:00.000-04:00

2008-09-29T19:34:00.003-04:00

Goodnight, World
Breezing by as smoke boils over,
Over the graveyard, cast in orange and
I can feel the world dying for the night
Holding it's heart safe and snug in my hand

Six Light-Years Of Separation
My god, how it's lonely when you do the right things and
My my, how deathly dark it is on this virtuous path
Forfeiting my razorblades and trading in my carcinogens
Walking corpse now, life prolonged with no will to laugh

My, oh, my how far apart I feel now, far from you and
My lord, I'm sure I'm doing things right so why oh why
Does it hurt worse than ever before, why
Why is it all my tired, bloodied eyes want to do is cry?

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-27T20:20:00.003-04:00

In Retrospect...

I wish my past didn't come up when we talked
As often as dead lung tissue does when I work out
I know I'm a different person than I ever was before
And I wish you wouldn't have any doubts

That I wash my hands after touching an ashtray
And I gag from second hand smoke
And tasting those pills would surely make me puke
And the sight of them makes me choke

I know that I have discipline, and I know
That I'll never pass out in my own vomit again
Because I know I'm a different person than I ever was before
And I absolutely hate the dead man I was then

That I was reaching for death is obvious
And that I came within feet is quite clear
Now I know there's a difference between living to die
And living without fear

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-27T18:32:00.001-04:00

sweet tooth
Hello I'm dying now
And I sure hope that it's okay
It seems extreme but it seems to me
The only way to keep tomorrow at bay

Please excuse the blood
It's an unavoidable byproduct
Unpleasant to be sure but
It's the best I can offer to everyone I've fucked

Hi there I'm fading fast
And I don't think there's anything left
On the other side, I think it burned
Years ago at God's earnest behest

I've been hanging here in pure suspense
And rigor mortis for so, so long a time
And I doused this pyre in gasoline
So I could have my time to shine

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-25T20:45:00.003-04:00

mercy!
How about you extract your talons now?
It's easy to let the demons in
Much harder to head them south
And damn near impossible to fight and win

How about you fade away now?
You haunt me through these pixels, bits, and bytes
If your face is all I'll ever see
Baby, I could do without so much light

How about you don't let me know?
Just why we broke up and who you like
My head and the wall both feel my pain
It doesn't drain, intensifies with every strike

How about I develop amnesia?
If I lost my memory and forgot all that
I wouldn't have to think of how I felt of you,
Your beautiful dog and your cats

---------------------------------
ALKALINE AND LACTIC ACID

Lock my dreams inside my chest
And bury myself six feet under
To keep my precious dreams safe and warm
Someplace they won't be pored over, torn asunder

At the cost of my life
Securing my dignity
Taking everything I wanted for myself
And wrapping it in posterity

Take my love and heave it overboard
Committing my heart to the great below
When you ask me just what is wrong
I say nothing and think "nothing I want anybody to know"

At the cost of my life
Keeping my secrets sound
I'm lost at sea and at least to me
It makes more sense just to drown.
------------------------------------
Mirthless.

Lying dormant, my demon
Preying to rip me all to pieces
I'm praying somebody finds me here
Before my demon throws away the keys and

Lurking in my dark spots
Prowling for cloudy days
If I'm scowling he's grabbed hold of me
My thoughts a morbid daze

Sneaking through my synapses and
Hiding inside of neurons
I'm biding my time I need to be found
Before this devil puts me in the ground

Haunting me my whole life,
Tearing me to shreds
Got me swearing that I'm normal;
Help comes soon or I might just end up dead

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-24T06:10:00.000-04:00

Pinpricks
You almost breached the dam today
You almost broke the wall
A thousand tears I keep locked away
And I almost let one fall

Today you battered and railed
Against my will
And tried to ruin my soul
I was shaken to my very core, even now I tremble still

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-23T20:41:00.001-04:00

Keep Flying

2008-09-22T20:36:00.003-04:00

I wish my catharsis could be viewed impersonally
I hope you all know exactly what I don't mean
Flushing words down the toilet
Frantically writing just to feel clean

Never want to sell out, never meant to plant that knife
Only freeing myself of all sorts of demons and pains
No two sided letters of vindictive veilings here
Those words were pure; too pure to feign

But not only was it not meant to injure
It wasn't even meant to be seen
This blood in the darkness
Bleeds for no god, I hope you all know exactly what I mean

Never wanted you to feel this way, feel a thing
All I wanted from this was for me alone
Set you free and free you should stay
Glad though I would be, you belong far way from home

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Higher Res? Coming right up!

2008-09-21T19:47:00.004-04:00

I'll upload print quality some day when I have the bandwidth...maybe.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Perfect Until I Woke/Cradle

2008-09-20T22:06:00.001-04:00

I dreamed of us last night
Clenching each other tight
As if we were weathering a storm
And we were, we were

Torrential tears ran down our faces
We'd met here of all places, of all places
And we still had the love
And all we did was rock back and forth and cry

Your face pressed to my own

After months of hating my phone

We were back where we belonged

Weathering a storm

I dreamed of us last night
A dream of love, in spite
I'm happy now except for one thing in my life
And it revisits me in dreams
-----------------------------
Maybe I should sleep cradling a gun

To put my lost love on the run

And forget about all that I had

And maybe smile again at last

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

carpe mortem sibi consciscere|untitled

2008-09-14T19:50:00.001-04:00

Leave last year's pages out
To face the sun
And wither and die like a slug doused in salt;
As surely as death came to Pompeii, the deed is done

Bury the dead in fragrant dirt
Plant flowers on the grave
Do a dance of innocence
So the spirits will behave

Could you stand to see it done?
I'm betting that you could
Especially if you got to pull it yourself
Darling, we both know you would

Dash some roses in the hair
And place gold upon the eyes
Be sure to wither everyone you've loved
Till each last lost love dies
--------------------------
Self placation with a gun
Innocence for sale
Tried so hard to make it end
Point blank to no avail

Rose up during the night
To mindlessly roam and feed
Warnings galore of zombification
Little Billy didn't heed.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Bullets and Love, a Triolet

2008-09-14T10:20:00.001-04:00

Our memories defeat us
Chinks in our armor and
Rips in our vest, making us fuss
Our memories defeat us
Elicit disgust
Just like a gun in my hand
Our memories defeat us
Chinks in our armor and...

Our memories defeat us.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Run Like The Devil

2008-09-12T20:29:00.002-04:00

Invalid fears strangled my very soul
But nothing can stop me now
I never knew I could do anything, if I wanted to

(But I always knew how)

Self doubt railed at common sense
Enslaved by insecurity for far, far too long
The shadows were lengthening on my life
By the time I realized what was wrong

At first I thought I needed religion
And then I thought I was just damned to hell
And then I realized they were petty excuses
I was afraid I'd never do well

I've cast aside my self doubt

And nothing can stop me now

Not hiding behind the shield of cool indifference
Never did what I should have, for fear I didn't understand how

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Pessimism Lust

2008-09-10T20:21:00.001-04:00

Nobody wants the good news
Unless there isn't any bad
Nobody wants to hear more reasons
Why they should be glad

Nobody props up the positive
If they can get themselves some macabre
Nobody wants the sunlight
If there's still some shade

I find myself exorcising so much refuse
Dumping it into willing and receiving arms
Wrenching out of my trash all they can
As if it were some tasteless farm

Nobody wants to hear how happy I am
But my rainy days, they sell
Not everyone believes in Heaven
But they'll lap up mention of Hell

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Stuck

2008-09-09T19:07:00.007-04:00

Drifting in the void
Disintegrating inch by inch
Pieces fleeing exponentially
Death by his own hands found to be a cinch

Screams so loud; echoes so far
Nothing left to hear it that's willing to LISTEN
With anything less than celebratory glee
A solitary tear for what once was lives only in his mind; glistens

Not worth the time of day
And so acutely aware of such
Surprised it lasted so long
And was so sweet to the touch

Drifting precariously towards the rip
Swirling further and further down
The only thing left to posterity
Echoes of the sound

Phone ringing, destitution down-and-out
Reckless destruction so very cathartic
Another tear inside his mind as he's sealed
Inside the bedchamber he's picked

Static now here in the void
Reverberations disturbing nothing worth fretting over
Those violent spin-off possibilities
Assaulting him in droves

screaming, and crying, and railing away

hindsight is torture most, most sublime

just could have taken the hand while it was there

stuck forever in all of this piss, dirt, and grime

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-07T18:54:00.002-04:00

Lonely now, let it flow
Remember what was and ponder significance
Doubt veracity and doubt the self
I love you so much, she'd said while our eyes danced

Rest assured it was true
Does time dash even the truest love?
This chaos could only be stilled by ignorance
Why does there seem to be inherent innocence in a simple dove?

So faithless yet I take it on faith
That love can exist and it has in my past
Find creationism a joke and yet
Naive enough to have believed we would last

Delusion or sublimity?
Lovers or fools?
Roses or raw compost?
Machinists or tools?

Grasping at straws strangling my sanity
Questioning my motives buying your divinity
Never doubting your intentions were pure
I wish my heart was a little more finicky.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

[dreamAWAY]

Haunted, and hunted, and spooked by shadows
Like Pavlov proved, it's hard letting go
Sometimes those reflexes you learn from pain
Are the only things you know

The clock is ticking and sweat breaks out
Why aren't I sleeping, why can't I turn off?
I close my eyes and you beat my skull
From the inside, my insides froth!

I can feel you comforting me
STABBING ME WITH PRECISION AND PREJUDICE
Love's never been such a ruthless agent
Playing both sides and giving both the death kiss

Sweet dreams, she said.... SWEET!?
I beg to differ, they're anathema
Sweat still runs, with the blood
On your claws curdled by your calls....

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Storybook Pt. II

2008-09-06T09:55:00.001-04:00

The King's been murdered by his roses
And the Queen planted the seeds
And the thorns are adorned with noble blood
Now the Jester can take the lead

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-03T20:31:00.001-04:00

Shot for his shoes
News filled with blood
Mud overrunning New Orleans
Machines doing the jobs of men
Then the bombs really started to fall
Call to arms and bank accounts open

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

Bullshit.

2008-09-03T10:13:00.001-04:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-564611/Girl-13-hangs-obsessed-Emo-suicide-cult-rock-band.html

2008-09-02T22:40:00.003-04:00

[assertion]
I will take all that I can get and then some
I will know my limits and lay them flat
I will see the sun rise each day
I will live my life and that is that

No one left to hold me back now
When I push, it gives, gives, gone
There is nothing that can stop me
I will be everything, before long

I will understand existence
I will see the world, crystal clear
I will never be here again and
I won't be ruled by fear

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-02T02:32:00.000-04:00

[orwellian pt. III]

We meet again at Orwell's chestnut tree
Exactly where I knew we'd be
I forsook you and you forgot me
Nothing in this world's ever meant to be

Finally, now I can see
One and one and two make three
The bliss makes me slap my knee
Big Brother understands humanity.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-01T23:39:00.000-04:00

[DETONATION]
A stagnant safe soft silent night
Brought alive by piercing shattered screams
Molten-hot tracers split the air
Children's blood pours forth in streams

Jet-powered monsters roar above and past
Innocent virgins wondering if mercy is their lot
The luck-scorned ones feel the fateful bullet
Pierce and split their skin; metal searingly hot

Teddy bear falls to the ground
The hand's forgotten it in earthly pain
Another lost child that's lost his chance
To grow up macho and vain

Mothers wailing in time with the whistle
Of the ever intelligent screaming bombs
Competing with all kinds of common death
And winning without even losing their calm

The tale of a liberated nation come over to democracy.

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

2008-09-01T23:04:00.002-04:00

[Happily Ever After]
Saw the path meandering into eternity
Set in stone and laid in gold
Heard the promises on the wind
And I watched it crumble in the cold

The blueprint had seemed infallible
The very height of human achievement and glory
But the castle's in peril of collapsing now
A happily ever after is only a half-written story

The greatest enemy for the knight
Was not saving the damsel from distress
While the dragon was easily surmounted
The princess was crushed by thoughts she would not confess

In a world of aesthetic values
What should failure be to me?
Why should I care that my heart's in shards and scraps
When that's not what people see?
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Dominion]
Beauty kills with consistency
With a smile and a wink
Your soul is set free

Beauty kills with consistency
While studying your prom queens and divas
Stare long enough and you might see

Beauty kills with consistency
You can't count on God
But the aesthetic will never cease to be.
-------------------------------------------------------------
[trickle]
I hear missiles flying and innocent tears
I see cancer spread and muscles wither
I smell burnt flesh and spent gunpowder
Now dance away with me
----------------------------------------------------
[Lawful]
Hear a step-step-shuffle down my street
Death's out on the town
For a meet and greet
And he's peddling at a tremendous discount today

Claiming some of those who truly believe
They have no need to account for themselves
Through those who waste oxygen he cleaves
Thinning the herd only somewhat discriminately

It may be clear and starry tonight
Here in the vicious jungle
But stray too far from your comfortable light
And you'll get what you deserve

[copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski]

No Remose/Animal

2008-09-01T00:19:00.001-04:00

Seeing the vines encroaching the sacred walls
Of another church, another fortress against time
Watching the dust infiltrate every vacant nook
And reveling that the fault was mine

Alright so I could have slowed the decay considerably
But if it has to happen it may as well be in my time
Why should I spend my time fighting it and fighting you?
I'll do just what you want an hour early and I think that's fine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's universal validity in irrevocable beauty
And the priests damn themselves to hell on earth
And the killers are just plain honest
Jungle dominated by those who know death's worth

Surefooted ones they are
Those with a purpose and a knife to fit
Where others toil just to stay alive
They only long for throats to slit

Stalking the nighttime lights and noise like
A tiger, with coiled muscles and reflexes primed to kill
Some cruise for love
They cruise to kill

While some preach spirituality
And others peddle crystal meth
You'll only find these honest animals
In dark alleys and frightening nights, presiding over the Church of Death.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Jungle of Sinful Plenty

2008-08-28T20:18:00.000-04:00

Recriminations and eroticism gushing out of those I've brushed
By the time I'm around the corner they've seemed to erode
I honestly fall into love, want them up against me
Seems that their morals are the quickest thing to fold

Try now to glide through this unforgiving forest
Wraithlike and ethereal
Don't want to touch such beautiful flowers
For I surely destroy all that I feel

Vampiric in a more modern sense
Drain all that I need and leave the rest
Those innocent beauties don't know just what they ask
I drain them of their beauty at their own behest

Moving through this faithless forest
Lonely through my own grave choice
The guilt weighs heavily now
Every night gives my victims a resonating voice.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Haunted, When The Minutes Drag

2008-08-28T10:59:00.001-04:00

Halo_22

2008-08-25T02:55:00.001-04:00

I finally found my copy of Beside You In Time....it was...on my computer desk...for A YEAR AND A HALF!

2008-08-25T01:54:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been at odds with reality? Haven't you ever wanted to defy morality completely, and just...fucking...go to town? If there is no point to existence, what is to stop us? Let martial law ring, I say, and to the victor goes the spoils. Some nights I see the glory in anarchy, and that is saying quite a bit....

Manson Patch

2008-08-25T01:38:00.004-04:00

The only thing I found worth buying at the state fair. Go fucking figure that our economy is wrecked.

The Nature Of Life/caractere irremediablement amo/knifelust

2008-08-24T22:42:00.001-04:00

The skin keeps shedding away
Sometimes as a snake
Other times, it's a saving transformation
A la the butterfly

Such is the purpose of life
Flowing like water over the cliff
Sometimes it's maddening in it's viscosity
But it's a fact you just better accept
--------------------------------------
Seeing you, the way you walk
Feeling that passion once again
Thinking of how I can break you down
Watching you melt inside my mind

Bring you up so high
Just to watch you drop, drop, drop
You can beg until your lungs collapse
I'm still gonna let you fall

Wanting you in deeply evil ways
Needing you to lose everything
Knowing that I'm just a plague
Reveling in the evil I can do

Unworthy of the slightest adoration
I'm a sick and twisted aberration
The darkest creature in creation
Slitting throats without hesitation
-----------------------------------
Finally found out what it felt like
To want visceral release at last
Watch the precious fluid escape constricting arteries
Innocent's blood to break illusions cast

Awake from this crazed dream of societies
With simple razor sharp strokes
Needing to kill a stranger
To know what isn't and may be, who and where I am
------------------------------------

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Testing.

2008-08-24T20:03:00.000-04:00

Slave Screams!

2008-08-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

Weaving through the crowd like some sordid seamstress
Eyes buzzing back and forth looking out for she,
The subject of my most every dream
The only one who could ever torture and complete me

Spotted her a million times today
At first and sometimes second glance
Like a drowning man lost out at sea
I jump and rejoice at each cruel and false chance

Saw what I wanted to see so many times today
It burned out my eyes until I just couldn't see
I stumbled around still thinking of her
While seas of people eddied around me

Trying to fight it off with anger
Sure I was the most belligerant one
Antagonizing people just to kill me
Because I was too worn out to run.

Some new stuff up here...

2008-08-22T20:53:00.001-04:00

And now, more importantly

2008-08-22T01:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.freetheairwaves.com

Complication

2008-08-21T22:57:00.000-04:00

"Complication" trailer

Bootleg Music For Fevered Dreams

2008-08-21T22:34:00.001-04:00

The Presence_Help Me I Am In Hell

2008-08-21T22:22:00.004-04:00

Off of my dA page:http://neonninja.deviantart.com

Authority

2008-08-21T17:22:00.000-04:00

Let the flesh, instruct the mind, she'd said
And it seemed so advisable at the time
Frolicking and learning by carnal osmosis
All of the secret things that were hers, and mine

Unraveling the universe with the greatest teacher
Unearthing secrets secluded for eons
Devouring it all, ready and greedily
Never realizing I was but her pawn

Let your senses educate your neurons
Rapid fire synapses of pure joy
Never will I tell you and never must you suspect
That I only tolerate you to be my toy

Discovering sanctity from such an angel
As she's running her hand through my hair
She keeps her eyes on my heart
A knife in her other hand to plant it there

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Indistinction

2008-08-21T12:04:00.000-04:00

Consolation feels torturous...easy
Yet so very tragically forsaken now
Wishing again that flipping back the calender would fool the universe
Willing to violate anything just to find out how

Hiding deep behind veils of easy words
In here somewhere behind the assurances given
Feeling impotent to save anything at all
So very important just to stay hidden

Can't come to grips...
Never seemed to cope
Some days seem to be so satisfied
Until they bring a glancing remembrance of hope

Hiding deep, deep and deeper in these
Hollow, hallowed, and vaunted consonants and vowels
Praised so often for their potential
But I'm trapped in here now

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Kickin it Echoplex...

2008-08-20T18:41:00.001-04:00

Echoplex Drum Simulator from Mike L on Vimeo.

bipolardesign.tk

The New Attraction/The New Flesh

2008-08-20T17:34:00.004-04:00

[The New Attraction]
Where will it end?
Oh, I'm not enthralled any more!
The velocity was so novel, the twists and turns so great
But my mind's tired of this ride and my body's so sore

I thought strapping in would keep me safe and snug?
My mind's being scrambled and I don't know where I am!
I'm starting to think that this new form of amusement you sell
Is an exquisite and damning sham

Wasn't there someone with me here?
Oh darling, please just come back!
I'm being slammed around in a space made for two
My body alone's taking up the kinetic slack

Will this hellish ride end soon?
I can't stand the jolts, I'm afraid to do this alone!
I try to let my mind stay scrambled
Still can't help but think...you're as close as a phone...
----------------------------------------------------------
[The New Flesh]
Rebuild me back from the bottom up
Use your collection of myriad other disasters with potential
Throw in a little bit of "too young", mix in a dash of "meant well"
Mix it all together in a stew of what could have been

When I've reached "hot tempered" you can pull me out
Let my blood cool to "Reptilian" and now I'm ready
To endure everything I will know again
And this time stand steady

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Joy Division

2008-08-20T17:32:00.000-04:00

Hindsight

2008-08-20T01:57:00.000-04:00

I haven't always chosen my words with care and dignity, I'll admit
And there are some phrases I wish I'd had the foresight to omit
And I realize I've sometimes used poetry as my own private pulpit
To scream at the top of my lungs all the grime I saw fit

But how can I convey to you, that during emotional overload
Your filters become much less careless, and the message
Much, much more dire than the form
And art isn't even a concern

There are still plenty of things I have to gripe about
But I'm sure you don't need to hear me shout
Or bitch, or moan, in order to give my discussions clout
And you don't need another poem about my self-doubt
(That's for sure)

Take it from me that in times of stress
I'll likely lose my cool, and my discerning writer's voice
But try to bear with me, you loyal hearts
Because it's painfully necessary to me at times

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Quake Soundtrack

2008-08-20T00:43:00.001-04:00

Pavlovism

2008-08-20T00:37:00.001-04:00

I came to you but a child
Not expecting the ruthless deconstruction soon to follow
When you'd take the very best of me
And leave me insincere and hollow

Can't really blame you for rendering
Exactly the services advertised
But I'd hope it's understandable at least,
That I'd come to expect more from such lovely eyes

A few cliches would suggest I finally
Got what was coming, for being all that I have been
But I'd like to at least formally protest
Because I'm not the same man, I was then

Happy and adjusted, I guess that was the signal
For everything to get shaken back out of place
For me to lose it all again
Just when I'd acquired the taste.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Anne Rice

2008-08-20T00:24:00.003-04:00

Of course I'll lay down for you, dear
In this coffin made only of ivory and glass
And when the sun goes down again
I'll awake next to you at last

I used to promise myself everything
"One day", off in the mist
Now it's all mine for eternity
To hold in my palm or crush in a fist

I used to rush through every scene
Terrified that I wouldn't experience it all
Before I ran out of film
Now, time is at my beck and call

You sank your teeth deep into my neck
And beckoning to me, while crouched on the windowsill
You whispered lavishly:
"Come with me, together we'll experience forever, if such is your will."

Naturally I acquiesced as surely you knew I would
For who wouldn't succumb to the lure of everything?
Now I had forever and ever to dredge the seas
For the reason that the lovebirds sing

Together we were submerged in wave after wave
Of glorious, sensuous snippets of lives
The way that love could rejuvenate
Or sever like a well-honed knife

Alas, this wasn't to last, as surely you also knew
I wasn't meant for this, I could not refrain
I slammed shut the book and tried to forget
The beautiful world in which I longed to forever remain.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Ghosts 14 II

2008-08-19T23:55:00.001-04:00

http://ghosts.nin.com
Buy and support art and music you enjoy.

2008-08-19T04:35:00.001-04:00

Another sleepless FUCKING night.

33 Ghosts IV

2008-08-19T03:51:00.001-04:00

I can feel it leaving us now
The oxygen is storming out of our lungs
It's just you and I here in this room
And we haven't got much time left

I'd like to tell you so much for the record
But I'll just settle with a few selections
Starting with how sorry I am
And ending with how you never deserved this

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Playing God, Or Wishing...

2008-08-19T03:14:00.001-04:00

Stuttering smile that skips some frames
Dig a hole for all that remains
Pack it in deep and snug
Mix in the gas and then it's gone

Recreation of a different sort
Watching the masterpiece decompose
The beauty of it's harsh and violent death
So that it may return to the earth, for another

Starting over with bare bones and realism
Fortifying this creature with pain and suffering
Omitting design flaws that had caused so much wrong
Stitching shut his lips and tearing out his heart

The creature we would've got the first time around
If there truly were any intelligent design
Coupled with compassion
Dubious though that even seems

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Art Is Resistance

2008-08-19T02:41:00.001-04:00

[Forest Rank, and Darkly]
Be wary, ye weary travelers
That are searching for another version of the truth
You might find revelations untold in this fresh wood
But death stalks every shadow and the way is made of waiting traps

Be afraid, upstanding citizens all
For the government you uphold so well engineers your fall
Timed to begin right when your usefulness ends
Your realizations lie right around the bend

Be assured, petty criminals across the land
For if you're apathetic, amoral, and callous
Death will stalk you naught and never
For you are of no consequence to those
Whose heads are filled with power

Be wary, oh ye weary travelers
For there is much peril behind these tranquil trees
And the ones you seek to know, seek to know
Just where you are, seek to end your travels

And in this forest fraught with the truths you sought
Be prepared to find out not all is as was thought;
And the revolution that you fought
To establish, was a snare ever designed to render you caught
-------------------------------------------------------------
[The Armageddon Overtures]
The Armageddon Overtures have me firmly in their grasp
I feel so relieved now, I'm liberated at last
Tonight's the last night on earth, let's do it right
We'll burn the fucker down, and we'll do it fast

The Armageddon Overtures are, soothing me with their song
What I've craved is soon to come and I, don't know what to feel
Will we take everything with us, will there be rocks left
On which our blood can congeal?

The Armageddon Overtures are not ending soon enough
I'm quivering with anticipation as I see the missiles fly
I'm laughing as the great leaders of religion
See on center stage, their lie

The Armageddon Overtures are reaching now their climax
And I'm ready to hear the last note
I'm ready to collapse
I'm--
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Granite]
Caught mid-stride and yearning to move
The statue is beautiful yet what a cost
He knows he looks so good up on this pedestal
Can't help but yearn for the motion he's lost

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

[superFICIALman_wasteland]

2008-08-18T02:07:00.001-04:00

I don't want to grow up
Please don't make me go
If adulthood lies out there...
I don't want to know

I don't want to exchange my innocence
For the prestige of your madness
I would trade my youth
For her and nothing less

Do you truly find accomplishment
In your unbelievable atrocities?
Do you believe you really change the world
When you drop the bomb on a city?

I don't want to trade the warmth of this place
For the cold Darwinism of your corporate ladder
The ruthless competition of your lives
Makes sociopaths shudder...
------------------------------------------------
Wind whistles through the empty places
There's nothing here for miles and miles
Nothing now except rust and debris
Broken down toys and pieces of smiles

No one can say how it got to be
The deepest black that's ever been seen
There's nothing left to give a clue
Why ex-sand is glass polished to mirror sheen

The only testaments are the bleached bones in the sand
And they have no will to vocalize their pains
The last man alive is pondering
What the ones who know they know, had to gain

So much torment and so much gone
Returned to a void in a flash
The sight of so much loss
Makes the last man alive wish, that he had teeth to gnash.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

The Fragile

2008-08-17T21:54:00.004-04:00

2008-08-17T03:06:00.000-04:00

I wonder why I get so terrified when I'm running. I mean, I push through it. But I'm always terrified, always feel like I'm out in a void, alone, floating. It's like I withdraw into my mind when I run, and don't feel my body any more. Combined with the headphones, it's a scary feeling...but if I take those out, the sound of my breath scares me worse.

The Special Place

2008-08-17T02:56:00.000-04:00

It's quiet and gray inside this corridor
Oh, please don't let me be alone
Don't don't let me hear my lungs shudder
I'll lose the skills that you've honed

Isolated and locked in tumultuous combat
Raging back and forth inside my head
Drown out extraneous with the music
Ignore the pounding of my feet like lead

It's long and surreal inside this corridor
Here in this place, beyond the wall
If I could only control my mind in here
I know that I could do anything, at all

In a stream of people and completely alone
Can't catch the victor and refuse to run with the rest
If I could just rein in my anxiety
I have suspicions I could be the best

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Christmas

2008-08-17T01:35:00.001-04:00

http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?t=27853

Storybook

2008-08-17T01:19:00.001-04:00

The living still comes easy
While the happily hasn't come yet
And the ever after is still hidden
Wisdom says the wretched deserve what they get

Heeding the signs and minding my step
I keep vigilant watch lest I fall for gravity
Feeling trapped in a story book of yore
Twisted and sick where the heroine's a whore

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Let Me Leave

2008-08-16T21:58:00.002-04:00

I just thought it'd be fun to ruin everything
Drag it kicking, back down to my level
Struggle up to the heights of it all
All that trouble just to watch it fall

Pouring the gasoline all over my art
It's much more honest when I drop the match
Sit right here and watch it spread
Disappointed that it's all just in my head

I thought I'd kill it all just on a whim
Take the shots as the targets swarm
Their screams of fright aren't currency enough
If they don't want to die, well...isn't that tough?

Seeking to find the means through the end
Don't give a shit about it any more
It reassures me to see everything wither away
It's good to know it's not just me, today

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

2008-08-16T21:51:00.002-04:00

I feel drained, impotent
De-clawed, disarmed and fucking useless
I feel dead already
I know you wouldn't believe this...

I don't know WHY I AM
I don't know WHAT I HAVE
I don't know WHY I DON'T
And I feel like I've been sentenced already

I feel voiceless and hollow
Made of jelly and just as transparent
No motivation left to live no ambition found to die
Can't finish this sentence......

2008-08-16T05:23:00.000-04:00

Maelstrom_Brimstone Redux_ONEHUNDRED_Apologetic

2008-08-16T04:48:00.004-04:00

[Maelstrom]
Stick it in again
Twist twist twist twist
Take a look again
Shouldn't know that it exists

Morbid fascination
Is a magnet draw
Rather feel agony
Then nothing...at all

No coercion here
But the wall's still getting nailed
By a stubborn head
Of one who thinks they failed

Shouldn't glance
Can't help but stare
Hypnotized by the agony
Trying not to care

Sinking deeper
Maelstrom of thought
Can't seem to recall
Why the revolution was fought
==============================================
[Brimstone Redux]
Cross my heart and hope to die
Let all the others wonder why
I refuse to be a passerby
Death is something I will try

If I show up at pearly gates
I will swear and curse the fates
See how many angels I can bait
See if they'll fight if I just wait

Once I get my ass kicked down to hell
I'll make the Devil's own eyes swell
When I ask him, "Lucifer, what's that smell?"
He'll start to cry before he'll tell

He'll sobbingly apologize for the lack of hygiene
Informing me he was instructed to act mean
Complaining how in Hell the pickings were lean
And since I seemed rather keen, would I please join his trivia team?

Grinning cruelly I'd yell out "No!"
Stab him with his pitchfork and turn to go
What would happen next we'll never know
Because I have too much dignity for the next rhyme to be ho.
==============================================
[ONEHUNDRED]
I think that I may love you
But I'm not sure if it matters
For distance is conspiring
And fate is not my friend

I think that you're the one for me
But I'm not sure if you'll ever know
For I don't do just as I say
And I am just like you

I think that you might feel the same
But I'm not sure if I could ask
For I first and foremost care for you
And I would never hurt you

I think that I may be right
But there's a chance I could be wrong
For the past doesn't speak well for me
And I am superstitious.
==============================================
[Apologetic]
I swore that this would be different
And yet I couldn't change a damn thing
The deep dark hole inside of me
Still reined as king

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Made Man

2008-08-16T00:26:00.000-04:00

We're all prisoners on the inside
It feels so right, it must be wrong
I might be happy, I might be trapped
Might find out it's nature, before long

Crucify myself just for the view
I can see it all from here
Larger view, much less detail
Safe up here, I can only hope it's all as it appears

Either I'm saved now or truly fucked
This security I prayed for
Is it at a price I can pay?
Losing the values at my core

Wave goodbye and say hello
At the pinnacle now, sold my soul
I've got the world
And nowhere to go

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Seemingly

2008-08-15T01:44:00.002-04:00

Looking back but I can't see
The same things that I saw
Looking over and over
It's not the same at all

I know that they're the same pictures
And I know that you're the same one
Even if I think I know better, though
I can't seem to see any fun

Looking back and trying to make
Make the pieces fit
But it all seems destroyed now
Nothing seems to fit

I'm not sure if it's all out of chances
But I'm sure I'd try one more time
I'd do anything, anything, anything
To call you mine.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Limitations

2008-08-15T01:05:00.001-04:00

Time slows to a tepid crawl
It's between the coward and the fool
Self-doubt railing at stubborn determination
Pushing on the only rule

Pushing on through the fold
Of twisted bodies trying to keep hold
They grasp my body, they hold me back
They're indignant for what they lack

Try to push on despite objections
Stumbling through the midnight forest
Creatures prowling all around
And I feel so alive

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Submerged

2008-08-13T03:46:00.000-04:00

Spent a few years diving into decadence
Just to see how deep the pool went
When I emerged from the murky depths
My morals were eroded and my mind was bent

Took a crash course in open mindedness
From the best teachers in the land
I had classes every day from pain and loss
Ended up my heart in hand

Submerged in filth, afraid to shine
Guilty, I hid deep in sin
I didn't want to admit that
I'd failed myself, within

I came up and gasped for air
Forgot about the purity I'd missed
Feeling cheated feeling lost
I crushed my heart, I clenched my fist

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Disdain/Doubtful

2008-08-13T02:56:00.003-04:00

I disdain you, darkness
You're a lie, a discarded promise
Whispered close to me, like she once did
Telling me you hide bliss

Speaking of things that go bump, curtained by you
Telling me predators lurk in your pitch black corridors
I loathe you, darkness
I don't fear anything within your borders

You want me to shake when I'm engulfed by you
I laugh, knowing I belong in you
You need me to scream in your presence
I scream in elation, at the things you do

I don't need a reason to look down on you
But you give me plenty, with your feeble attempts
At frightening me with your plethora hunters
I disdain you, darkness, and you know I do.
------------------------------------------
It's night time here in paradise
And the demons come out to play
They feel very strongly
That there are things they just have to say

You will never amount to anything
And we'll always be right here
Even if you found someone to love
You'll always have us to fear

It's night time in the garden
And the tigers stalk their prey
They're ready to rend him limb from limb
Having ravenously fasted for days

You can not defeat them now
Your death is incourragable
Why bother outpacing the pack
Why delay the inevitable?

It's night time in the underworld
And the flesh is getting flayed
The dark ones scheme to bring you down
While feasting on a human fillet

We will make him cry again
We will force him to his knees
We will lock him inside his mind
And throw away the keys

It's night time here inside my mind
And I've never felt this way
I feel a million miles....
And it's almost enough to make me pray

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Lost At Sea

2008-08-12T23:52:00.000-04:00

Set down, there to stay, in the corner
Voices mix and overwhelm inside and outside
Eyes dart back and forth, withdrawn and introverted
In a sea of my fellows and striving to hide

Murphy's law overrides my deepest wishes
Forced from inert back into kinetic movement
Strange, kind, and terrifying all in one
Misinterpreting the signals I'd sent

Can't you see what's inside of me?
Might be the music invites you to socialize
But you clearly don't grasp
The haunted, distant look inside my eyes

Clawing even deeper down, deep down
Waves of different minds assault me at the same time
It's evil, you will hurt, give it a chance, it's not worth it
She will kill you, She could be it, She doesn't know you, She could be...

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Prey

2008-08-12T20:02:00.001-04:00

You're terrified of global warming
And you blog about it every day
Nobody takes you seriously
You have to back up, what you say

I can't believe your gall
Walking like some kind of Saint
I wish that you would live
Like those figures, that you paint

You're another voice against despotism
And you talk politics in coffee shops
Yet you lack the backbone to change anything
The ones with blood on their hands, always call the shots

I can't believe your naivety
Thinking words can change your world
I will never stop scorning you
Until I'm engulfed by a Molotov that you hurled

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Scour , Snakeoil

2008-08-12T01:09:00.001-04:00

Keep your head down
And your spirits high,
If you can
Baby you deserve better than life

You've scoured high and low
Not that you know what it is
But when you find it
You'll understand why it was sorely missed
------------------------------
Now, the wound begins to fester
Here, where it all began
Suddenly, the poison spreads much faster
And I'm running out of lives

Caught by surprise yet again
Even the greenest grass dies in time
Heard there's a reason for all of us
But I've yet to glimpse mine

Now, my pulse begins to slow
Here, where it all ceased to be
Suddenly, I'm strained to know
Just what you meant to me

Maybe I'd settled in much too quickly
For my home burnt down in seven months
I felt too secure to plan for that
And I've no one else to blame

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Generation Kill

2008-08-11T01:46:00.002-04:00

Black and white and shades of gray
You want me to come home
And I just need to stay
Finding validation in the air, here

Staring down the sights of a cold M4
I'm out here, fighting for peace
I never used to feel this way, before,
Before they changed me

Black and white and shades of gray
I hope I'm not too desensitized
To make a good father for some kids, some day
But I'm finding it hard to get away from this

Staring down the barrel of a cold M4
I was in the wrong place, wrong time
The better judgment I shouldn't have ignored
Just to venture out, to feed my children.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Confessions

2008-08-10T20:00:00.000-04:00

Attempt to escalate the vocabulary
With each and every piece
Wracking my soul to find the words
That would do beautiful atrocity justice

Is poetry just the refuge of a broken soul?
Judge for yourself, I wouldn't know
I don't understand such things
For surely, if I did

I wouldn't write.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Spoiled

2008-08-10T19:57:00.001-04:00

Melting deep into the wall
Etching an eon stare onto the face
Without motion there is no fall
Sterile stasis, for eternity

Don't want to see any more pain
Don't want to break the china any more
Don't want to see beauty get maimed
Don't want to move, for fear of repetition

Echoes of the pain washing over me
I am pathetic, and I've lost the sparkle
Shackled with self induced inhibition
Don't want to move, for fear of repetition

With my hands I marred the masterpiece
I desecrated it in intimate ways
And now I feel that reciprocated upon me
The echoes washing over me, on my last day

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Indignant

2008-08-10T14:54:00.000-04:00

Thunderstorms are a lie
With their bright flashes and resounding clashes
Thunderstorms are a lie, when they imply
That they are of vast import
And they're really just another layer of nothing
Thunderstorms are a lie

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Slip

2008-08-10T13:52:00.001-04:00

I'm safe from you in here
Yet at risk from myself
I try to climb out of this hole
But I can't seem to improve my health

Miles blur by,
Lightning paced clip
Am I running towards my salvation
Or rushing for another slip?

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Angels

2008-08-10T13:09:00.001-04:00

Site Update

2008-08-10T01:53:00.001-04:00

Slight layout change-I whipped up some simple html that allowed me to put links in the header at the top of the page, that will automatically search for posts about three of my favorite topics to post about. [/end backpatting]

Marathon

2008-08-10T01:03:00.001-04:00

Run myself ragged and live in the pain
Suddenly you never existed
In the place between gasps
You're relegated to nothingness

Push and push
And ignore the bleed
I can't remember now
Just who I need

Break the limit and break you down
The more I go, the more you leave
Can't help but wonder again
If I was just naive

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Anything

2008-08-09T23:53:00.000-04:00

I would batter myself half to death
To catch just a glimpse of the elusive
Something to reaffirm my hopes
No matter how inconclusive

I feel there's something to live for here
And I'm dying for it to be so
If there's someone capable of spending their life with me
I'm just dying, to know

I would munch on broken glass
And then rip out the stitchs
To find someone who can just...be there...
Without any hitches

It doesn't seem that hard to me at all
But maybe I really do expect too little
I guess not everyone can thrive off one phone call
But I just need to know...the second half is out there...

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Angel of Mercy, Angel of Death

2008-08-09T00:24:00.001-04:00

Inhaling gunpowder
And spitting lead
Gun for him
He'll take you instead
Inhaling gunpowder
And spitting lead

Striding across
A gun-struck street
Hailing bullets
And he responds in kind

Smell of iron
And lust for blood
All you can aspire to now
Is to die screaming, in the mud
Smell of iron
And lust for blood

Vengeance's instrument
The angel of death
Pays back in kind
And his currency is universal.

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Spy Vs. Spy

2008-08-08T02:30:00.001-04:00

Hollow tunnels
And frigid Warsaw
Meaningful shadows and lethal secrets
More edgy than outlaws

Meet in pairs
Bring a neutral party;
This could get messy
Don't take out the car keys

Keep the engine hot
Pass the goods right out the door
Like stranger spies in a cold war
We'll not see each other any more

The souls who won the battle
Yet lost the war...
We're searching for it still
The meaning inscribed in lore

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

The God Squad/Night Ops

2008-08-08T01:59:00.001-04:00

Welcome, son, into the God Squad
Gave you a rifle and gave you a book
You don't have to take my word for it
Just give it a look

Welcome, son, into the God Squad
The big guy's looking out for you
Learn to kill with nothing to fear
For it's our Lord telling us what to do

Welcome, son, into the God Squad
Have a uniform and have some doctrine
That you fought for the right side
Should duly console your next of kin

Welcome, son, into the God Squad
You don't have to stay, but we know you will
After all, what other religion
Will train you so well to kill?

-------------------------------------

As ghosts in the night
Come quick and quicker gone
Melting in and out of sight
A phantom cabal they were

Oh, like smoke in flight
Ever flowing, ever moving
Courting danger and shunning the light
Tainted tigers in a midnight grove

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

2008-08-07T20:34:00.001-04:00

http://nothing.nin.net/int2.html

Save Me

2008-08-07T03:42:00.004-04:00

How hard is it to find a savior
In a world submerged in filth?
I keep an eye out for some radiance
Scour for flowers in this tilth.

I want to be pulled from the brink
By a multitude of helping hands
I want to find out love exists
From the lips of the one who can

But I'm stuck in here, alone again
Impotent and looking back
No one's here to save me now
From my self destructive attacks

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski
---------------------------------
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2008-08-07T02:29:00.001-04:00

http://www.imhotep.no/?did=9081255&aid=9069486

Wish

2008-08-07T02:20:00.002-04:00

Thrill Kill Kult

2008-08-06T22:55:00.001-04:00

Meat Puppets

2008-08-06T22:31:00.002-04:00

We are but scorn-worthy meat puppets
Woefully incapable of finding a worthy scorner
Fully capable of worthy woe
Scornfully, meat puppets we are

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

The Cure

2008-08-06T22:25:00.002-04:00

Circumscribe

2008-08-06T21:55:00.002-04:00

For all of it's vast potential
Humanity is a lonely group
Only humans crowd together
Just to be alone

For all of it's vast expanses
Earth is a lonely place
Only on Earth does life thrive
And only there does it end

For all of it's vast information
The Internet is a numbing place
Only there is all knowledge gathered
To lose intimacy

For all of it's notoriety
Death is a peaceful state
Only there can you relax
And only there is your life complete

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Devil's Tales

2008-08-06T21:40:00.000-04:00

Devil's tales are all I see
Inert lives lived too long
Only the evil get to be strong
The apocalypse is what it seems, to me

Wasted lives beyond repair
Mired in mediocrity, stuck in the mud
The apex promised by the rich turned out a dud
Dirty children struggle to escape their lair

Devil's tales are all I see
I see the slums and I see stagnation
I see only the powerful deserve elevation
It just doesn't seem right, to me

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

Bull

2008-08-06T20:44:00.001-04:00

The bull in the china shop
He's raging because he's trapped!
He's dying for a way out, you feel threatened
And he needs you to let him out

Before he goes insane.

Copyright 2008
Travis Fucking Pawlikowski

Glue

2008-08-06T20:17:00.003-04:00

The crow said not to look
But my eyes glued anyways
Stuck to the car crash in the distance
I knew that it would be our fate one day

They said not to pay any attention to the fruit
But I couldn't pull myself away
The morbid knowledge fascinated me
The fact that no one could ever stay

When wise men are fools...
I indulge in the bliss of acknowledging decay
So depressing, yet so reliable
I don't ever want to stay...

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski

"Friday I'm In Love"

2008-08-06T00:33:00.003-04:00

Friday I'm in love
Saturday I've got my gun
Sunday you're all dead
Monday I'm on the run

Copyright 2008
Travis James Pawlikowski